SEX LIMERICKS
An epileptic young woman named Camp
Was seduced on her couch by a tramp
But the first time he squeezed her
She had a Grand seizure
And broke both his balls and a lamp.
There once was a man from Montrass,
Who had balls that were made of fine brass.
In stormy weather,
They both clanged together,
And sparks flew out of his ass!
There was a young girl from Hong Kong
Whose cervical cap was a gong.
She said with a yell,
As a shot rang her bell,
“I’ll give you a ding for a dong!”
A decent young fellow named Herm
Was equipped with a geyser-like worm:
The size wasn’t much
But its volume was such
That his lovers did backstroke in sperm.
I see by the size of your member
You’re as hot as a blazing coal ember!
So slicken that mast –
And hon, make it fast –
This girl’s not been poked since December!
I know that you’ll think me quite dotty,
But please, no caffeine in the latte!
One simple espresso –
I put on a dress, oh,
And really start acting quite naughty!
Were you a more elegant chap,
I’d ask to sit down on your lap
Cross-legg’d, like a swami
For ‘hide the salami’,
But it seems that you’re ill with the clap!
A horny old trapper named Rex
Liked the risks of wild porcupine sex.
By incredible luck
His dick never got stuck,
But his nuts were just pitiful wrecks.
There once was a Vulcan named Spock
Who tried stroking his monstrous cock
With lust went berserk
And beseeched Captain Kirk,
“Bend over, this shuttle must dock!”
“For Christmas”, she said with a tingle
“I’d love a gift cunnilingual!”
Twas with joy and surprise
She found twixt her thighs
The tongue of jolly Kris Kringle!
Mary had a little dog,
All night long he’d hunt.
He stuck his head in Mary’s lap,
To smell her little
“Control yourself, you naughty dog!
You make my pressure jump!”
Ain’t but one man in this town
Good enough to
Pumpkin pie is almost done,
Lots of corn to shuck,
Brother’s got a lazy wife.
She don’t give a
F’crying out loud, look outside!
The captain and the crew,
Heading down the Mazie’s house
to get themselves a
Screw the light bulb in the lamp,
Please don’t break the glass.
If you eat those pepper pods,
They’re bound to burn your
Asked a woman, “What’s your name?”
She wrote it by the creek.
Pardon me, I’ll step outside,
I’ve gotta take a peek.
There once was a man from St. Paul
who’s prick was incredible small
he got down on the rug
and screwed a bug
but the bug didn’t feel it at all!!
There once was a fellow from Yuma,
Who told an elephant joke to a puma.
Now his skeleton lies,
Under hot western skies,
The Puma had no sense of huma!
There was a young man named Sweeny
Who spilled some gin on his weenie.
He thought this uncouth,
So he added vermouth,
And slipped his girl a martini.
There was a Young Man named MacNair
Who buggered his Wife on the Stair
The bannister Broke…
…Without missing a Stroke
He Finished her off in Mid-Air.
There once was a Barmaid from Saille
On her back tattooed the prices of ale
And on her behind, for the sake of the blind
was precisely the same but in braille.
There once was a lady from Reno
Who lost all her cash playing keno
So she laid on her back
Opened her crack
And now she owns the casino!
There once was a pirate named Bates
Who attempted to rhumba on skates-
He fell on his cutlass
Which rendered him nutless
And practically useless on dates.
In the garden of Eden stood Adam
With his hand on the ass of his madam
He chuckled with mirth
For he knew that on earth
There were only two balls, and he had’em!
There once was a man from Australia
Who had extra-large genitalia
He said to his bride,
Don’t try to hide
‘Cause wherever you go I can nail ya’
There was a young man who’s dong
Was prodigiously, massively long
Down the sides of his whang,
two testes did hang
Which attracted a curious throng.
Said a diffident lady named Drood
the first time she saw a man nude,
“I’m glad I’m the sex
that’s concave not convex
for I don’t fancy things that protrude.”
~~~~~~
There was a hooker from Honchu
Who on peckers and penises did chew.
Said a friend, “Why don’t you
Have them stick it to you,
Then you could enjoy the sex too”.
There was a man from Havana,
Who thought he could play the piana
His fingers slipped,
his zipper unzipped.
And out came a hairy banana!
A young engineer name of Paul
Was equipped with an octagonal ball
The square of his weight
Times his pecker, plus eight
Is his phone number, give him a call.
There was a young girl who begat
Three brats, by name Nat, Pat, and Tat.
It was fun in the breeding,
But hell in the feeding
When she found she had no tit for Tat.
There once was a man from Pompei
Who fashioned a snatch out of clay
The heat from his prick,
Turned the clay into brick
And tore all his foreskin away!!
>From Isaac Asimov
Nymphomaniac Alice
Used a dynamite stick as a phallis.
They found her vagina
In North Carolina,
And part of her anus in Dallas.
There was an old fellow named Paul
Whose prick was exceedingly small
When in bed with a lay
He could screw her all day
Without touching the vaginal wall.
There once was an odious brute
Who made love in his Sunday-best suit.
The result, as you’d guess,
Was a wet, sticky mess,
And a very chaifed maiden to boot.
There was a young lady from Kew
Who said, as the bishop withdrew,
“Oh, the Vicar is quicker
And thicker and slicker
And four inches longer than you.”
A certain young fellow from Ransome
Had a dame seven times in a hansom.
When she shouted for more,
Said he from the floor,
“The name, miss, is Simpson, not Samson.”
Said a woman with open delight,
“My pubic hair’s perfectly white.
I admit there’s a glare,
But the fellows don’t care.
They locate it more quickly at night.”
There once was a man named Mort,
Whose dick was incredibly short.
When he climbed into bed
His lady friend said,
“That’s not a dick it’s a wart!”
There was a young harlot from Kew
Who filled her vagina with glue.
She said with a grin,
“If they pay to get in,
They’ll pay to get out of it, too.”
There was a young plumber named Lee
Who plumbed his girl down by the sea;
Said the lady, “Stop plumbing!
I hear someone coming.”
Said the plumber, still plumbing, “That’s me.”
A newlywed couple from Goshen
Spent their honeymoon sailing the ocean.
In twenty-eight days
They screwed eighty ways –
Imagine such damn devotion!
There once was a hermit named Dave
Who kept a dead whore in his cave.
She was missing a tit.
She smelled like shit.
But think of the money he saved!
The sea captain’s tender young bride
fell into the bay at low tide,
You could tell by her squeals,
that some of the eels
had discovered a dark place to hide.
Nick the prick had a forty foot dick,
He showed it to the lady next door.
She thought it was a snake,
And hit it with a rake,
And now it’s only four foot four.
There was a young sailor from Brighton
Who said to his girl, “You’re a tight ‘un.”
She replied, “‘Pon my soul,
You’re in the wrong hole.
There’s plenty of room in the right ‘un.”
A lady while dining at Crewe
Found an elephant’s whang in her stew.
Said the waiter, “Don’t shout,
And don’t wave it about,
Or the others will all want one too.”
There once was a man from Sydney
Who could put it in up to her Kidney
But a man from Quebec
Put it up to her neck
Now he had a big one, didn’t he!
There was a young dentist Malone
who had a charming girl patient alone.
But in his depravity
he filled the wrong cavity,
God, how his practice has grown!
There was a young lady from Nizes
whose breasts were two different sizes.
One was so small
it was nothing at all,
but the other was huge and won prizes.
There was a young lady named Hilda
Who went driving one night with a builda.
He said that he should
That he could and he would,
And he did and it pretty near killda.
A broken-down lecher named Tupps
Was heard to confess in his cups:
“The height of my folly
Was diddling a collie –
But I got a nice price for the pups.”
There was a young vampire called mable,
whose periods were always quite stable,
at every full moon
she took out a spoon,
and drank herself under the table.
A kinky young girl from Coleshill,
Tried a dynamite stick for a thrill,
They found her vagina,
in North Carolina,
and bits of her tits in Brazil.
There was a young man from Pitlocherie,
making love to his girl in the rockery,
she said look you’ve cum,
all over my bum,
This isn’t a shag it’s a mockery.
There was a young lassie from Morton,
who had one long tit and one short ‘en,
on top of all that,
a great hairy twat,
and a fart like a six fifty Norton.
~~~~
We all know that tampons are spongey
And oftentimes get rather grungy
But why they have strings
Among other things
Is so that the crabs can all bungee.
“You, choirboy!” ordered the pastor
“Bend over the pew for your Master!”
He said with a moan
As he slipped him a bone.
“Now just wag your tail a bit faster!”
Said the Abbot, “I’m not pleased one bit,
Brother Ambrose; that you should submit
Your signed IOU
In lieu of a ewe –
I just won’t accept that sheep chit.”
Goldilocks has lots of guys
Pinnochio’s one, I’m advised!
She sits on the puppet
And sticks his nose right up it
And makes the poor fellow tell lies!
A hard-headed cabby named Peter
Was asked by a fare if he’d eat her.
He said, “It’s not free.
I will only agree
To go down while I’m running the meter.”
~~
There was a young lady from china,
who had an enormous vagina.
and when she was dead
they painted it red
and used it for docking a liner.
There was a young gigolo named Bruno
Who said, “Screwing’s one thing I do know.
While women are fine,
And sheep are divine,
Lama’s are numero uno!”
There once was a barmaid named Gale
On whose breasts was the menu for ale
But since she was kind
For the sake of the blind
On her ass it was printed in Braille.
Once there was a man from Boston
Who took a ride in his Austin
He had room for his ass
a gallon of gas
but his balls hung out and he lost them.
There once was pervert named Manny
who stuck his long prick up his fanny.
Oh! What’s this shouting about?
Seems he can’t get it out.
He can’t shit, he can’t piss. It’s uncanny!
Said a horny young girl from Milpitas,
“My favorite sport is coitus.”
But a fullback from State
Made her period late,
And now she has athlete’s fetus.
There once was a man from Peru
Who was desperately hanging out for a screw.
He picked up a moll
And rammed home his pole
Then said, “Jesus, that was Long overdue.”
To Stan, Ginger whined and then sighed
Her vibrator battery died
She got off instead
With ten minutes of head,
Then she gave Stan’s old willie a ride!
There was a bleached blond named Dolores
Who had an unusual clitoris
It’s location remote
Was deep in her throat
Where she douched with a touch of Lavoris!
Ginger from County of Dade
Said, “I think it’s time I got laid.”
“My vibrator can tingle”
“But it’s not cunnilingual”
“And that’s how orgasms are made.”
Ginger was feeling quite gruff
Till he placed his head in her muff
Then she purred like a kitty
When his tongue hit her clitty
Saying, “I just can’t get enough!”
I don’t mean to tarnish your cheer
But old Santa Claus is a big queer!
He fondles the elves,
Who pleasure themselves
With a bugger up old Santa’s rear!
There once was a man from Ghent
Whose cock was so long that it bent.
Whithout any trouble,
He put it in double,
So instead of cumming he went…
Old Charlie, a jolly old bloke
Made love to a cow as a joke
He found pleasure divine
With this friendly bovine
Now they call him the old cowpoke!
There once was this girl from Sri Lanka,
A dusky-skinned maid named Bianca.
Each day she would sit
And play with her clit.
She was an incredible wanker!
There was a Young Man from Kent
Whose Rod was so long it bent.
So to save himself trouble
He bent it in double,
And instead of coming, he went!
There once was a young man named Gene
Who invented a screwing machine
Concave and convex
It served either sex
And it played with itself in between.
There was a young girl of Angina
Who stretched catgut across her vagina.
>From the love-making frock
(With the proper sized cock)
Came Toccata and Fugue in D minor.
There was a young girl named Sapphire
Who succumbed to her lover’s desire
She said: “It’s a sin
But now that it’s in
Could you shove it a few inches higher?”
There once was a man from Bandoo
Who fell asleep in a canoe
He dreamed of Venus
And played with his penis
And woke with a hand full of goo!
A Peruvian Inca named Bruno
Said, yes’m There’s one thing I DO know:
A woman is fine,
A boy is divine,
But a Llama is numero UNO!
There once was a fellow named Perkin
Who always was jerkin’ his gherkin
His mother said, “Perkin,
Stop jerkin’ your gherkin –
Your gherkin’s for ferkin’ not jerkin’.”
There once was a Queen of Bulgaria
Whose bush had grown hairier and hairier,
Till a Prince from Peru,
Who came for a screw,
Had to hunt for her twat with a terrier.
There was a young man from Cape Horn
who wished he had never been born
He wouldn’t have been
If his father had seen
That the end of his condom was torn!
There was a young lady named Claire
Who possessed a magnificent pair;
Or that’s what I thought
‘Til I saw one get caught
On a thorn, and begin to lose air.
There was a young maid from Madras
Who had a magnificent ass.
Not rounded and pink
As you probably think —
It was grey, had long ears, and ate grass!
There once was a mohel from Minsk
Who saved all his customers’ skinsk
Tho they looked odd in a jar
He was kinder by far
Than his zeyde, who made from them, a blintzk.
There once was a Jew from Peru
who was vainly attempting to screw.
His wife screamed “oy vey,
if you keep up this way,
The Messiah will come before you”
There once was a man from Cape Horn
Who wished that he’d never been born.
He wouldn’t have been
If his father had seen
That the end of his condom was torn!
Bigamy, they say, is a vice,
And more than one spouse is not nice,
But one is a bore,
I’d prefer three or four,
And the plural of spouse is spice?
There was a young plumber named Lee
Who plumbed his girl down by the sea;
Said the lady, “Stop plumbing!
I hear someone coming.”
Said the plumber, still plumbing, “That’s me.”
There once was a man named McSweeny
Who spilled some gin on his weenie
Just to be Couth
He added some Vermouth
And slipped his chick a Martini!
While Titian was mixing rose madder,
his model was posed on a ladder.
Her position to Titian
suggested fruition.
So he mounted the ladder and had her.
An accident really uncanny,
Befell an unfortunate granny.
She sat down in a chair
While her false teeth were there,
And bit herself right in the fanny!
Hickory Dickory Dock
The tongue ran up the cock.
The man did smile.
It had been quite a while.
And his cock was as hard as a rock!
A bugger who buggered some sheep
Tried to bugger a ewe in her sleep.
She awoke with a start
And she ripped a great fart.
Now he’s covered in shit three feet deep.
There was a man from Ka-bot
That lived on his boogers and snot
When he couldn’t have these
He lived on the cheese,
That grew on his grungy old cock!
There once was a couple named Kelly
Who had to walk belly to belly
Because in their haste
They used wallpaper paste
Instead of petroleum jelly.
I heard that she would never say no
To oral sex. Just 10 bucks for a blow.
But when down on her knees
I said “Oh baby please
Move up, you’re too low, that’s my toe!”
A pretty young maiden from France
Decided she’d “just take a chance.”
She let herself go
For an hour or so
And now all her sisters are aunts.
There was a young man from St. Paul’s
Who read Harper’s Bazaar and McCall’s
Till he grew such a passion
For feminine fashion
That he knitted a snood for his balls.
A mathematician named Hall
Has a hexahedronical ball,
And the cube of its weight
Times his pecker’s, plus eight
Is his phone number — give him a call..
A wanton young lady from Wimley
Reproached for not acting quite primly
Said, “Heavens above!
I know sex isn’t love,
But it’s such an entrancing facsimile.”
The was a man named Sir Lancelot
Who went to parties and danced a lot
When making a pass
At a young pretty lass
The front of his pants would advance a lot!
A remarkable race are the Persians;
They have such peculiar diversions.
They make love the whole day
In the usual way
And save up the nights for perversions.
There was a young man from the Coast
Who had an affair with a ghost.
At the height of orgasm
Said the pallid phantasm.
“I think I can feel it—almost!”
Meat-rationing did not terrify Miss Davey,
She got married to a sailor in the Navy,
For she knew between his legs
He had ham and he had eggs,
A big weenie, and oodles of white gravy.
There was a young Scotchman named Jock
Who had a most horrible shock:
He once took a shit
In a leaf-covered pit,
And the crap sprung a trap on his cock.